Before I had kids I went to the gym 5 plus days a week. For more than an hour usually. Weight training was actually included in my workout instead of just the treadmill, stretching and some core exercises. I showered and then made dinner, read a book or watched some TV. I couldn't have told you what number the Disney Channel was even on. My days were filled with a wonderful job as a counselor in a residential and therapeutic day program. Josh and I had weekly dinners, "family" dinners if you will, with our best friends every Wednesday night. Weekends were filled with...I can't even remember how I used to fill so much time to myself. Sleeping in surely. Naps whenever I wanted to. Church on Sunday mornings. Eating out regularly. A movie sometimes. But really, I don't even know what I used to do with all of that time.
Then Caroline was born and "me time" came in the form of going to the gym for a quick run when Josh and I were both home from work. Timing it in between nursing feedings. The occasional dinner and a movie night out with a babysitter at home. And scheduled trips out of the home without Caroline - usually it was hanging out with a friend doing something. I could go to the bathroom alone. Having just one baby was busy, but very manageable. But I could still hear my inner monologue. Josh could take care of her for me to shower, or vice versa. Leaving me alone to my thoughts.
Less than two years later Jackson came along. "Me time" became the occasional Saturday morning of sleeping in. When Josh would take Caroline and Jackson to the bagel place. Showering alone started to drift away. As Caroline would open the door, just checking in or having something she needed to tell mommy, and leave the door wide open so the bathroom filled with cold air. Caroline would usually insist on accompanying me in the bathroom. You know, I might miss her or get lonely in those 3 minutes. Me time was the short car ride in between work and daycare. Lunch breaks at work were opportunities to remember I was a person, not just a mother. Things were active, but Josh and I were still playing the parental man-to-man defense with our kids.
Add Ryan into the mix, 3 kids under 4-years-old, and "me time" turned into doing the dishes while Josh took a turn giving baths. By this time Caroline was 3, Jackson was almost 2 and Ryan was a newborn. Showering alone was a thing of the past. There was almost always a baby sitting in that bouncy seat on my bathroom floor. As I sang tone deaf versions of "You are my sunshine," the "ABCs," and "Twinkle twinkle little star," hoping to get the conditioner out of my hair before I had to get out. I could hear crying approaching the bathroom and braced for the tears and sadness of the 2 and 3-year-olds that were bound to come my way. All while trying to shave my legs with goose bumps from the cold air again. My version of me time usually meant there was still a baby I was taking care of somewhere in the room. Going to the bathroom was a family affair. And if I actually shut the door and locked it toddler fingers were visible on the bottom of the door. With banging from Jackson and cries of desperation that they weren't included.
A fourth child blessed our family for a brief period of time, and the non-stress tests during that pregnancy were times to sit and relax. While someone was usually taking care of the older kids. Today I find my "me time" scheduled weeks in advance in the form of the rare dinner out with friends. And last week, I had my annual OB-GYN exam in Boston. That is one appointment I will do anything possible not to bring the kids to. You know you are a mom when your OB-GYN appointment is your "me time." Seriously.
Inside my head there are voices asking for milk, a snack, or some other request nowadays. But it's all good. I love my family and chaos. I wouldn't trade it. And really, how important is that weight training anyway? That's what carrying your kids is for.
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